Man, I should have used protection.
Last weekend I caught menstruation. These cramps are terrible.
My Off-Green Thumb
maxbarth: I can’t grow flowers. I’ve tried – twice. I read the directions. Moist soil? Check. Sunlight? Check. I’ve done everything except shrink myself and inspect the seeds from the inside. (Not that I’d know what I was looking for. Still, if I could shrink myself I could probably build a machine to do the looking for me.) What is the issue, Black-Eyed Susan? I’ve followed all of the...
Wouldn't it be weird if your name was Marco Polo?
People would be like “Marco!” “Polo!” “What!?!”
Yogurt Culture > Pop Culture
(via incurable) i don’t know. pop culture is all i’ve got. if i couldn’t talk about the random shit i know about the cast of mary tyler moore, then i would have no skills at all.
Jo Bros Not Blowing Away the Box Office →
this gives me some hope in the future of the world. i was almost warming up the jonas brothers because my ex inexplicably loved them. but that ended, so fuck them.
i woke up at 4:45 this afternoon
I may never exist like a normal human again…
I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are...– good night tumblr.
i'm gonna go to sleep for longer than 2 1/2 hours
Christopher Hitchens is great.
Here’s a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will...– Dave Attell
words i am saying too much lately
intense and fuck.
i think i'm gonna shave
i wonder what wacky moustache beard combo i’ll end up with. hopefully something that will get me scorned in polite tumblr society…
you guys better follow "reasons things are bad" →
I’ve got 67 more already queued and 3 more pages written.
I have that ‘lack of sleep’ nausea.
fire sighs really loudly, but then won't tell you...
brian williams' twitter is gone?
now i just have a twitter. fuck.
apparently i'm just actually not sleeping...
which is funny considering i had plans to not sleep at all tonight (friday night)
I'm writing a musical based on Star Trek.
It’s called Porky’s. Or Porky’s 2. I haven’t decided.
I need to follow more people from places that have...
6:06 and counting…
I'm going to go visit my grade school when I go...
Just a thought.
Tumblr, I blame you for this.
And you don’t even have the decency to produce new content for me.
I am a huge sleepless idiot.
and I look like a dead person. Also, it’s 5am now.
I have yet to start the work I have to do for tomorrow. I’ve known about this for weeks and I had nothing at all to do last night or all day.
The Reasons Things Are Bad →
Honey fucking burns if you swallow it wrong.– My roommate
When I visit places I try really hard to blend in, but it’s hard, because I’m kind of a tourist. That’s a lie. I’m a huge tourist. I hate it. So I always try so hard to look like a local. The key is to not look up at all. Which is a shame because up is a fantastic place to look. There’s some neat stuff up there. But I don’t look up. I try not to acknowledge the people handing out flyers. I don’t...
It seems as though
katoleary: in order to get anything done, I need to have something that is an even bigger priority looming over me, so that I can shelve the huge priority in favor of the lesser priority. that’s exactly what my problem is!
So, the question you should ask yourself is: Are you ready to make some bad...– (via saramcpherson) i am ready to make some intensely bad decisions.
That Shit's Unreal, Yo
saramcpherson: I had a plethora of imaginary friends as a child, but only one of them was a stowaway from Disney World. Remember the hologram zombies who look like they’re sitting next to you in the mirrors on the Haunted Mansion ride? My favorite was a scrawny old man in a pinstriped suit. He glowed Nuclear Power Plant green, and I must say that he totally sported his monacle like a rock...
You remind me of the babe.
realrealsoft: shorterexcerpts: fluffed: lamebot: spacepants: ladimcbeth: (via shinyredballoon) What babe? the babe with the power what power? the power of the voodoo Who do? You do!
Whenever I’m on my computer, I don’t type “lol”. I type “lqtm”: “laugh quietly...– Demetri Martin (via punchlines)
suicideblonde: natashavc: There is a sacred clan of late night tumblrs. Wait— this post is brought to you by my ambien. WAM!bien You been DISCLAIMED, players. Anyways, there’s the dayshift. Mostly dominated by the cubicle dwellers and prolific/painfully unemployed pro-bloggers who I just admire. These are the caffeine /adderall addled pros. These motherfuckers can just crank that shit out....